On Marriage: Authority and Anniversaries

Dear reader, 

Substack is making me feel more and more like I’m actually writing TO someone, and that is a beautiful thing to me. :) And so I wonder– how have you been, how is your summer? Send me an email or reply to this post— I’d love to hear from you. I’m trying the audio on this for the first time, so if you want to hear this post read to you while you do the dishes or drive, now you can :). 

I had another wonderful conversation with a good friend the other day. My sister makes fun of me for this, maybe I get it from my dad, but part of me doesn’t love talking on the phone. I dread the thought of being tied up on a call, and wish I could have some alone time or be with my husband instead– but then I always, without fail, lose track of time when I’m talking, and resurface from the call so entirely grateful for the person on the other line, and for our God who brought her to me. This was just like that. 

My friend is recently married and we talked about the discussion (in some cases debate) in Christian circles about male authority in marriage. I felt God whispering some beautiful truths to me in all of this that I wanted to tell you about. 

I wasn’t as clear on this as she, but I learned that there are two sides to this discussion– the complementarian side that believes the man has the final say and the wife should submit to him; and the egalitarian side that believes the man and the wife decide on things together and their relationship is more one of equals. Have you heard of this, dear reader? Have you been troubled by it? I did not know about the nuances of this debate, but I’ve certainly wondered about this balance, and what it should look like in marriage.

The two verses that come immediately to my mind are these: 

Genesis 3:16 - “and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”

Ephesians 5:23, 25 - “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church [...] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” 

It seems that the world boils this whole nuanced discussion into one fixated, fearful what-if: what if my spouse and I disagree on some important decision? How is the decision to be made? Perhaps there is some fruit in pondering this within limitations, but as with all what-ifs, the nuance of real life is lacking here. Truly discerning God’s will can only come in the real moment, not in some dim prior planning. When we try to take a what-if question like this and force it on scripture, trying to puzzle out God’s answer to it, I think it’s only natural we would go in circles. I don’t think we should expect scripture to give us a formula for disagreements in marriage. But instead, I think scripture gives us a profound look into how God sees the marriage relationship, and from that, every decision and action should flow.  

I’m so struck by that Ephesians verse– that the husband should love his wife even as Christ loves the church. Our world has colored the word “authority,” so that when we read verses like: “he shall rule over her,” and “the husband is the head of the wife,” we recoil a little. But to understand authority in God’s framework, in his kingdom– we need look no further than Jesus. Was he a heavy-handed tyrant, ruling the church with complete ignorance about her true needs and desires? That could not be farther from the truth. He, more than anyone else, understands the church’s deepest needs and longings– he knows the church more truly than the church knows herself. And everything he does is for her protection, her refinement, her growth, and even her joy! “For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church” (Ephesians 5:29). This– is authority? Yes. True authority. I take a deep breath at that thought. 

My friend and I talked about how we’ve seen this play out in our own marriages. There can be so much tension when we as women withhold our actual desires, when we silence what we truly think. There have been many, many times in my two year marriage when my husband and I have been deciding what to do for supper or how to spend an afternoon, and I’ve purposefully tried not to say, or even determine, what I think, in order to somehow make the decision process “easier” on my husband. In order to be selfless. “Whatever,” I say. Or, “I’m good with anything.” And bam! Tension. Somehow, in all of this, we end up at odds, both on-edge, and I likely sink into a mood, and end up driving him away without meaning to. 

My husband and I had a heart-to-heart about this sort of thing some months ago, and I learned that from his perspective, he just genuinely wants to know what I think and feel, what I desire– because he wants to provide well for me, because deep down it brings him delight to make me happy. (Wow. Isn’t that what love is? What is this grace– I do not deserve it.) So, my efforts to be more selfless, to try to ignore what I want, were in reality, more selfish than anything. I do not understand this– but in the marriage relationship, where love is true and pure, honesty is honoring to your spouse. Whether my forthrightness is about which movie I’d like to watch, or how I think our children ought to be parented, my honesty gives my husband the power to lead us. 

Because of his divine nature, Christ knew the church through and through, and he knew what his Father’s will was for her. Husbands and wives are human– we can only discern each other’s needs and longings through honest communication with one another; we can only discern God’s will for us through earnest, mutual prayer.

My husband said something so profound when we talked about all of this: “Maybe what it comes down to– the most important thing– is maintaining the union.” Amen to that. What does Christ and the church’s union look like? Paul writes, “For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.” (Ephesians 5:30-31) This is mind-blowing to me. For what cause shall a man be joined to his wife? Because we, the church, are members of Christ’s body, his flesh, and his bones. That is the union for which we are striving. 

My husband and I celebrated our two year anniversary this past week. We’re finally slipping into this wonderful settled feeling. In our marriage sermon, our priest, Father Paul, told us: "Today you become a parable. You become an icon. You become a picture of Christ and the church and the scene of two becoming one. You become a walking and talking Gospel, so that those who are far off may come near, so that those who are lost may be found. Your home will be a window into heaven." 

Here’s a prayer for all you folks out there who are married. 

Dear Lord, 

In all the sweeping busyness of this life, among all the dishes and laundry and work to be done, grant that we may be a worthy parable to our world, a worthy icon of Christ and the church. In all places, may we be a walking and talking Gospel, so that those who are far off may come near, so that those who are lost may be found. We cannot fathom your grace— that you would allow, indeed even ask us to mirror you. Thank you for the treasures we have already found in keeping this solemn vow, help us to hold our hearts tight to this. Lord, grant that our home may be a window into your courts, into your stretching green pastures. Through the way we love, speak to, help, and honor each other, may our family and those who cross this threshold feel this home to be a haven of blessing and of peace. 

Amen.

*Photo credits: Emily Barbee, Greenville South Carolina